Change in the White House

Okay, probably everybody's already seen this but me, but I'm putting it here anyway because I like it. A lot.

Expanding on a theme: Critiques of churches I've personally attended

OK, it isn't in the best of taste, but I laughed so hard that Max wanted to know what I was laughing at. And when I told her it was a Jesus joke, she just said she didn't want to see it and left the room. She still hasn't forgiven me for showing her the superhero Jesus doll I found online. She laughed before she could stop herself, then worried she would go to hell for laughing at it. So she won't take any chances any more when I find Jesus jokes.

I was thinking about the various and sundry churches I've attended in my life on my way home from work today. I was listening to Nina Simone and it got me thinking about Max's church, actually. Damn, those Methodists can murder a song. (as opposed to Nina Simone who could turn anything into a song worth listening to). The Methodists can sing O Happy Day and make it sound like a fucking dirge. Unbelievable.

I realized that singing joyous songs as dirges really isn't so bad when it comes to churches (though it's plenty bad enough.) Baptists sing okay, but I think it's because they don't sing joyous songs, they sing ones that are supposed to sound like dirges. Baptists really shine when it comes to self-righteous ass-holery, however. Lord save me from a Baptist on a mission. (NO not you Jesus-Lord, some other lord please!) Aw hell, forget it, don't save me, just keep the damn Baptists away from me.

Want some pomp and ritual? Well, sometimes I do. Check out Catholic or Greek Orthodox for that. But if you want something spiritual, be prepared to pay for it. I know a woman whose husband left her just before she realized she was pregnant, and he didn't come back when he was so informed, so of course they were divorced. She was a member of the Greek Orthodox church, and wanted her baby baptized there too. Well, they couldn't do that, because mama was divorced, but when her daddy paid a $2000 bribe (oops, I think they called it a "contribution") suddenly the baby was baptizable. Seems to me to not really mean much if you can BUY it.... But what does a heathen like me know?

Black churches are awesome for music. But gawdawmighty, who the hell wants to spend a whole lovely Sunday in church? Not me, and that's for damn sure. Although white churches are good for napping in. There's nothing like a good sermon to put me right to sleep. Problem is, Max jabs me in the side and wakes me up when I snore a bit. I must admit, I have slept with a lot of people in churches.

We've reached the Pentecostals. Those folks are somewhere between scaring the shit out of me and making me laugh hysterically. Have you ever seen a crowd of people watch others fake seizures and jibberjabber meaninglessly (although the preacher usually claims to be translating, by saying whatever he wanted to preach that day anyway.) Oy vey.

I've never actually been to a snake-handling church (THANK YOU JESUS!!!) but I once did a paper on snake bites. It turns out that the majority of snake bite deaths in the United States (and there aren't very many) happen to drunks, people stupid enough to keep venomous snakes as pets, and SURPRISE! People who handle snakes in their church services. Good goin', God --that's the way to show 'em! Of course they always have an out --the poor dead guy just didn't have enough faith. Riiiiiight. Or enough sense?

Regardless of my prejudices and general bad experience with churches, I would like to wish many blessings on all you Christians out there. I love you all with all my heart. I just don't love Jesus.

PS -- extra special blessings for the areligious amongst you.

Christians make me mad

Arrghhhh! I guess I shouldn't let it bother me, but it really burns my ass when I am assumed to be a christian. I'm not, I don't want to be, and even if I were in a foxhole I wouldn't be a goddamned christian. I don't go around advertising that I'm not, I live in the south, after all, in the heart of the bible belt, but dammit all, people will just assume things. And they shouldn't.

I saw a sweet older lady in the office recently. She had a plethora of medical problems, and some emotional issues too, and I like old ladies, and I like my job, and I tried to do a good job attending to her needs. So what do I get???!!?? She calls me a fucking christian! She didn't say fucking, of course, but she told me, very sweetly, "I am a christian lady, and I can tell I've found another christian lady for my doctor. It just shows in your kindness what a christian you are!" (no, I haven't transmogrified into a physician, I'm still a nurse practitioner, but sometimes it is just too much trouble to explain it over and over. And hell, if she thinks I'm a bloody christian, well, how am I going to get her to understand the rest?)

I mean, WTF?? You can't be a kind, decent person if you aren't a christian? Why the hell not?? Christians don't OWN all the good, decent attributes that people can have.

It's like being gay, in a way. People know you only in your professional capacity, for instance, and they assume you are 'normal' and feel perfectly okay to say heinous things about gay people. Or like white people who assume that because you're white too, you are also a racist. It just makes me mad. Maybe it's my karma biting me in the ass, because I have certainly been guilty too of looking at a person and thinking I know all about them, when I didn't know diddly. May whatever powers do exist in the universe forgive me. I am trying to forgive myself.

And I forgive that old lady too. She really didn't mean a bit of harm. I'm sure it never occurred to her that she was being offensive. Nevertheless, it IS offensive.

So my point? I don't really have one. Except this one: stop assuming!