Expanding on a theme: Critiques of churches I've personally attended

OK, it isn't in the best of taste, but I laughed so hard that Max wanted to know what I was laughing at. And when I told her it was a Jesus joke, she just said she didn't want to see it and left the room. She still hasn't forgiven me for showing her the superhero Jesus doll I found online. She laughed before she could stop herself, then worried she would go to hell for laughing at it. So she won't take any chances any more when I find Jesus jokes.

I was thinking about the various and sundry churches I've attended in my life on my way home from work today. I was listening to Nina Simone and it got me thinking about Max's church, actually. Damn, those Methodists can murder a song. (as opposed to Nina Simone who could turn anything into a song worth listening to). The Methodists can sing O Happy Day and make it sound like a fucking dirge. Unbelievable.

I realized that singing joyous songs as dirges really isn't so bad when it comes to churches (though it's plenty bad enough.) Baptists sing okay, but I think it's because they don't sing joyous songs, they sing ones that are supposed to sound like dirges. Baptists really shine when it comes to self-righteous ass-holery, however. Lord save me from a Baptist on a mission. (NO not you Jesus-Lord, some other lord please!) Aw hell, forget it, don't save me, just keep the damn Baptists away from me.

Want some pomp and ritual? Well, sometimes I do. Check out Catholic or Greek Orthodox for that. But if you want something spiritual, be prepared to pay for it. I know a woman whose husband left her just before she realized she was pregnant, and he didn't come back when he was so informed, so of course they were divorced. She was a member of the Greek Orthodox church, and wanted her baby baptized there too. Well, they couldn't do that, because mama was divorced, but when her daddy paid a $2000 bribe (oops, I think they called it a "contribution") suddenly the baby was baptizable. Seems to me to not really mean much if you can BUY it.... But what does a heathen like me know?

Black churches are awesome for music. But gawdawmighty, who the hell wants to spend a whole lovely Sunday in church? Not me, and that's for damn sure. Although white churches are good for napping in. There's nothing like a good sermon to put me right to sleep. Problem is, Max jabs me in the side and wakes me up when I snore a bit. I must admit, I have slept with a lot of people in churches.

We've reached the Pentecostals. Those folks are somewhere between scaring the shit out of me and making me laugh hysterically. Have you ever seen a crowd of people watch others fake seizures and jibberjabber meaninglessly (although the preacher usually claims to be translating, by saying whatever he wanted to preach that day anyway.) Oy vey.

I've never actually been to a snake-handling church (THANK YOU JESUS!!!) but I once did a paper on snake bites. It turns out that the majority of snake bite deaths in the United States (and there aren't very many) happen to drunks, people stupid enough to keep venomous snakes as pets, and SURPRISE! People who handle snakes in their church services. Good goin', God --that's the way to show 'em! Of course they always have an out --the poor dead guy just didn't have enough faith. Riiiiiight. Or enough sense?

Regardless of my prejudices and general bad experience with churches, I would like to wish many blessings on all you Christians out there. I love you all with all my heart. I just don't love Jesus.

PS -- extra special blessings for the areligious amongst you.